My son is sleeping as I write this. If you think it is because he was tired, you are wrong. It's because I told him he needed to. He doesn't know that the real reason is because I needed him to. He wanted to watch tv but I said he had already watched too much and he "needed to find something else to do while I read my book." He complied. He walks back into the room with some of his favorite dinosaurs and plays for a bit.
Then, he asks me to play. With every fiber of my being I did not want to. My heart said to suck it up, but I didn't listen. I could see the boredom he was feeling.
My heart breaks when I see that.
That's when the tears and the "I wish Daddy was here" came.
My heart breaks some more.
I comfort him and say "let's take a nap...that will make the time go by faster and Daddy will be home from work. It doesn't take him long to fall asleep. I feel thankful and guilty.I decided against napping with him to avoid that headache I usually end up with. I put on Pandora and lay next to him.
Then my tears came. As the tears rushed down my face I kept thinking about how I'm failing this child. I'm FAILING my son. Pandora is still playing and this song comes on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdrCuWL6irE
It's beautiful and haunting and just the kind of song that makes me cry even when I'm not sad. The tears are in full force now. And as I'm listening, I start to pray. I pray hard. I ask God to put in my heart whatever it is I need to be a better mother. Through my tears, I beg Him to help me be a better mother.
Then I asked myself a few questions.
When I tell him to find something to do, what are my intentions?
So I can watch another video on YouTube about how to contour and highlight? So I can pin another recipe I won't make, another workout routine I won't do? Or more ironically, a craft he and I can do but I won't because I'm afraid of it being too messy or because he probably won't enjoy it anyway?
I could have stayed in that bed and enjoyed the silence and waited for him to wake up before I wrote this. But I needed to get this out while the feeling are still fresh. And because when he wakes up, we are going to play.
Then, he asks me to play. With every fiber of my being I did not want to. My heart said to suck it up, but I didn't listen. I could see the boredom he was feeling.
My heart breaks when I see that.
That's when the tears and the "I wish Daddy was here" came.
My heart breaks some more.
I comfort him and say "let's take a nap...that will make the time go by faster and Daddy will be home from work. It doesn't take him long to fall asleep. I feel thankful and guilty.I decided against napping with him to avoid that headache I usually end up with. I put on Pandora and lay next to him.
Then my tears came. As the tears rushed down my face I kept thinking about how I'm failing this child. I'm FAILING my son. Pandora is still playing and this song comes on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdrCuWL6irE
It's beautiful and haunting and just the kind of song that makes me cry even when I'm not sad. The tears are in full force now. And as I'm listening, I start to pray. I pray hard. I ask God to put in my heart whatever it is I need to be a better mother. Through my tears, I beg Him to help me be a better mother.
Then I asked myself a few questions.
When I tell him to find something to do, what are my intentions?
So I can watch another video on YouTube about how to contour and highlight? So I can pin another recipe I won't make, another workout routine I won't do? Or more ironically, a craft he and I can do but I won't because I'm afraid of it being too messy or because he probably won't enjoy it anyway?
I could have stayed in that bed and enjoyed the silence and waited for him to wake up before I wrote this. But I needed to get this out while the feeling are still fresh. And because when he wakes up, we are going to play.